What luck that another WWE pay per view is airing this Sunday. The last few weeks of RAW have evaporated into the past, leaving vague memories of briefcase slime and mostly solid Ziggler matches. Now we arrive at Hell in a Cell, once the name of a barbaric bloody cage match, now the name of an arbitrary annual attraction. The watering down of a once gruesome gimmick is consistent with current programming, but its regular spot on the calendar marks it as entirely routine. This sort of match previously pulled out all the stops, now it provides a regularly scheduled diversion while killing time before Royal Rumble.

So, in honor of the glorious showcase this Sunday, let’s take a look at the  card:

 

USO Crazy versus WE SO Crazy

USO Crazy versus WE SO Crazy

WWE Tag Team Championship – Goldust and Stardust (c) vs Usos
Prediction: Cosmic twins over Samoan ones.
Worth $9:99 If: The camera successfully captures Goldust and Stardust’s post-match celebration this time.

 

I'm torn between apathy and indifference.

I’m torn between apathy and indifference.

Brie Bella vs Nikki Bella – Loser Becomes Winner’s Personal Assistant
Prediction: Nikki overcomes Brie Mode and wins by devilish means, leading to weeks of pre-taped and in-ring hijinx.
Worth $9:99 If: They wrestle topless… in honor of breast cancer awareness.

 

A battle of speed and agility.

A battle of speed and agility.

Big Show vs Rusev
Prediction: Rusev wins with the power of yelling.
Worth $9:99 If: The match and its surrounding flag ceremonies are kept brief.

 

Muppet Mayhem: Beaker vs Kermit

Muppet Mayhem: Beaker vs Kermit

WWE United States Championship – Sheamus (c) vs The Miz
Prediction: The Miz captures the belt with his stunt double’s assistance
Worth $9:99 If: Mizdow gets the pinfall/submission and Miz takes credit for it.

 

One of these beauties will walk away with a hideous belt.

One of these beauties will walk away with a hideous belt.

Divas Championship – AJ Lee (c) vs Paige
Prediction: AJ likely wins, but who honestly cares?
Worth $9:99 If: The outcome of this match goes somewhere other than a rematch.

 

Who will win the honor to remain in a holding pattern?

WHO will win the honor to remain in a holding pattern?

WWE Intercontinental Championship – Ziggler (c) vs Cesaro (2/3 Falls)
Prediction: After trading falls, Ziggler will win the third and resume losing on TV.
Worth $9:99 If: Cesaaro ragdolls Ziggler in an insane reversal.

 

Here it is, the match you've been waiting for... downplayed on a minor show.

Here it is, the match you’ve been waiting for… downplayed on a minor show.

HIAC Match – Dean Ambrose vs Seth Rollins
Prediction: Ambrose finally gets vengeance on his former Shield brethren.
Worth $9:99 If: Either one or both take a daring leap off the cell’s roof.

 

Now here's a fresh pairing...

Now here’s a fresh pairing…

HIAC #1 Contender’s Match – John Cena vs Randy Orton
Prediction: Cena wins OH GOD WHY THIS AGAIN
Worth $9:99 If: Randy Orton scores an upset and buries this rivalry once and for good.

OVERALL
Prediction: Survivor Series will have an awful lineup.
Worth $9:99 If: NXT guys like Neville and Zayn get brought up sooner.

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